[That's a phrase Sasuke has never, never in his life, had use for. It's bullshit, and it has always been bullshit. Silence is a comfort. Silence means the people around you aren't squirming in their discomfort, unable to stand something so simple as quiet because then it means you're thinking about something that might not be them, and that seems to terrify most people. Silence means they aren't filling space with vapid inanities, babbling like idiot babies to make you pay attention, to make sure you see them, because no one in this world can apparently fucking stand it for one second if you aren't looking at them.]
[Except all Sasuke sees when he looks at people is that emptiness, that vapid hole that requires someone else's validation to fill it up, because everyone is nothing without the people around them.]
[And Sasuke has spent ten years keeping the silence and trying desperately not to let anyone else push themselves into the void of his existence.]
[So silence is a blessing. Silence is a blanket, comforting and safe, because it's also armor, a wall, keeping everyone else out and keeping you in and it means no one's stuffing their words into the spaces and hoping you take away a little of them and give a little back because that's the last thing Sasuke wants or needs. He doesn't want anyone else's words, and he doesn't want anyone else thinking his belong to them.]
[Or, he didn't.]
[But now that armor of knives is gone, and just as there's nothing to keep everyone else out, there's nothing to keep him in.]
[And sometimes that's good because for once in his life he has something he needs to share, something that isn't just his, because the vengeance that was his and only his is gone and rotting in dust (but Itachi's here and living and breathing and loving and even loving people that aren't him, and seeing the web of connections that makes fucks with every perception of him Sasuke's ever had, Itachi's armor gone too in at least a few places so he can connect to people who connect to other people, no longer one quivering line of black between the two of them and no one else but a web of red threads that sometimes hurts to look at, like staring into the sun). The vengeance is dead and instead what he has is the desire to right it, the need to fix what's broken, and he can't do that if no one else can hear it, if no one else knows what the problem is in the first place, so every instinct with the armor gone is to scream it into the air. To find everyone who will listen and fill the silence with truth. To scream to hell with you and your bullshit, this is important.]
[But who in their right mind would listen to that?]
[It doesn't matter, the loud part of him is certain, as long as they hear. But the quiet part of him answers, Nothing leaves an echo chamber.]
[And for the first time in his life silence is terrifying.]
[Silence is loud and conspicuous, because it means no one is listening. No one is listening and all he wants is for someone to hear - just as much as he's terrified that they'll hear and they'll turn away because they don't care. And that makes the silence worse: the possibility that he'll try to fill it and be just another mouth spewing vapid inanities. He'll try to say something important and it will come out as air and fluff, and no one will ever expect anything different.]
[So when Kakashi's hand drops onto his head, he jumps a little where he sits, red eyes ticking up in a sharp blink to meet Kakashi's eyes.]
[You tried your best.]
[And Sasuke's teeth grit, because he knows that that's bullshit, and Kakashi has no idea. Because honestly, Sasuke didn't try at all. (That's bullshit too, of course I tried, I'm trying and trying and trying and it just doesn't fucking matter because I'm no good at it.)]
[But that's Kakashi for you: sometimes he's so sure he sees inside you and he just doesn't have a fucking clue what's there.]
[...But then, with Kakashi, sometimes he speaks into the silence and something Sasuke's been trying to keep quiet (like that voice that keeps screaming I'm trying ad infinitum that's started and won't shut up) speaks right back.]
[There's a thread there, and sometimes the connection is solid.]
[And it's blinding and it's loud and Sasuke tells himself the burn in his eyes is from staring into the sun and the ringing in his ears is from that voice that's worked itself up to screaming.]
[He tries to bury the truth in the silence and slam it behind the wall of his eyelids, but his cheekbones are already wet and the silence is already broken -] No I didn't. [- before he can try to find the armor again. The knives are all dulling anyway.]
swats at
[That's a phrase Sasuke has never, never in his life, had use for. It's bullshit, and it has always been bullshit. Silence is a comfort. Silence means the people around you aren't squirming in their discomfort, unable to stand something so simple as quiet because then it means you're thinking about something that might not be them, and that seems to terrify most people. Silence means they aren't filling space with vapid inanities, babbling like idiot babies to make you pay attention, to make sure you see them, because no one in this world can apparently fucking stand it for one second if you aren't looking at them.]
[Except all Sasuke sees when he looks at people is that emptiness, that vapid hole that requires someone else's validation to fill it up, because everyone is nothing without the people around them.]
[And Sasuke has spent ten years keeping the silence and trying desperately not to let anyone else push themselves into the void of his existence.]
[So silence is a blessing. Silence is a blanket, comforting and safe, because it's also armor, a wall, keeping everyone else out and keeping you in and it means no one's stuffing their words into the spaces and hoping you take away a little of them and give a little back because that's the last thing Sasuke wants or needs. He doesn't want anyone else's words, and he doesn't want anyone else thinking his belong to them.]
[Or, he didn't.]
[But now that armor of knives is gone, and just as there's nothing to keep everyone else out, there's nothing to keep him in.]
[And sometimes that's good because for once in his life he has something he needs to share, something that isn't just his, because the vengeance that was his and only his is gone and rotting in dust (but Itachi's here and living and breathing and loving and even loving people that aren't him, and seeing the web of connections that makes fucks with every perception of him Sasuke's ever had, Itachi's armor gone too in at least a few places so he can connect to people who connect to other people, no longer one quivering line of black between the two of them and no one else but a web of red threads that sometimes hurts to look at, like staring into the sun). The vengeance is dead and instead what he has is the desire to right it, the need to fix what's broken, and he can't do that if no one else can hear it, if no one else knows what the problem is in the first place, so every instinct with the armor gone is to scream it into the air. To find everyone who will listen and fill the silence with truth. To scream to hell with you and your bullshit, this is important.]
[But who in their right mind would listen to that?]
[It doesn't matter, the loud part of him is certain, as long as they hear. But the quiet part of him answers, Nothing leaves an echo chamber.]
[And for the first time in his life silence is terrifying.]
[Silence is loud and conspicuous, because it means no one is listening. No one is listening and all he wants is for someone to hear - just as much as he's terrified that they'll hear and they'll turn away because they don't care. And that makes the silence worse: the possibility that he'll try to fill it and be just another mouth spewing vapid inanities. He'll try to say something important and it will come out as air and fluff, and no one will ever expect anything different.]
[So when Kakashi's hand drops onto his head, he jumps a little where he sits, red eyes ticking up in a sharp blink to meet Kakashi's eyes.]
[You tried your best.]
[And Sasuke's teeth grit, because he knows that that's bullshit, and Kakashi has no idea. Because honestly, Sasuke didn't try at all. (That's bullshit too, of course I tried, I'm trying and trying and trying and it just doesn't fucking matter because I'm no good at it.)]
[But that's Kakashi for you: sometimes he's so sure he sees inside you and he just doesn't have a fucking clue what's there.]
[...But then, with Kakashi, sometimes he speaks into the silence and something Sasuke's been trying to keep quiet (like that voice that keeps screaming I'm trying ad infinitum that's started and won't shut up) speaks right back.]
[There's a thread there, and sometimes the connection is solid.]
[And it's blinding and it's loud and Sasuke tells himself the burn in his eyes is from staring into the sun and the ringing in his ears is from that voice that's worked itself up to screaming.]
[He tries to bury the truth in the silence and slam it behind the wall of his eyelids, but his cheekbones are already wet and the silence is already broken -] No I didn't. [- before he can try to find the armor again. The knives are all dulling anyway.]